Love Drawn Sickness

Hiding her in the pit of my stomach
it’s hard to think of having her
next to the girl, I’m supposed to marry.
I can’t tell if this sickness is really something
more than a 24-hour bug,
it’s just, I can’t hide her
inside my head any longer.
I’ve felt this love-drawn-sickness
for years now, and still
she has no idea
she’s my biggest secret.
The wedding being my idea
maybe it would force me to choose,
but I’m no closer to telling the truth.
The truth, my elusive caring stranger
always tugging at my insides
struggling not to hurt any feelings.
It all started by accident really
I simply went to a friend
to talk about a girl,
and as I stood there describing
one glaring thing hit me,
she’d been here all along.
It’s all together something different
if I go through and marry
it’s perfectly sensible
to want someone stable
who doesn’t know I write.
Right in front of me
was something I had been blind to
she didn’t want to stand too close.
She already knew
the dangerous poet
and how words 
truly meant something else
to those of us
who can spin words
into something lyrically. 
This wasn’t my intention,
to fall in love all over again
with a friend
who knows all my vulnerable sides.
I understand I fell,
 it’s made no sense to me
how I keep praying
like that’s going to change anything.
I keep thinking
how the tangled web
will somehow unweave itself.
It doesn’t help 
that the wedding is next week
just after the Christmas break.
I want the girl
who didn’t choose to be,
but was kind enough
to be a friend
and listen to me.